“I do believe I’ve lost myself.”

So I’ve been really lazy lately. I tell myself that, sometimes, I deserve not to do anything. And sometimes, it makes complete sense. But I’ve been thinking lately that the reason I feellazy isn’t because I truly am, but because I’ve lost all hobbies. I used to love to read, but I tell myself there isn’t time; truth be told, there isn’t. But what about the hour that I sit on Facebook and do nothing at all? I could be using that hour to read a good book, write a snippet of my life fictionally, or google games to play. Something that I’ve always enjoyed. But I don’t. College has really changed me on the inside. Not extensively or real differently, but enough to allow me to see the differences. I’ve always believed without a doubt that everything happens for a reason. Bee sting = no barefeet on flowers. Situations like that. But also: Idk. Just stuff. Anyways, what I’m saying is, I always try to make sense of things. Although I like to shrug matters off as if I don’t care, the matters that do care weigh heavily on me. And Idk, I just feel like the reason I act as if I don’t care is because I don’t feel like the real me anymore. The girl I was last year isn’t the girl I am this year. Then, I used to be so afraid of everything, the future, my life, friends. This year: fluctuating between emotions. I’m always kind of different, always changing. I think about myself a lot. My thoughts are all a jumbled mess. I guess, I don’t really know myself at all. How long will I be searching for the girl I am? This summer, I want to do something I’ve never really thought about doing. I was telling Huader that I might take a martial arts class. I think I will think about it.

I’m so tired of using my free time to think about school, homework, anything school-related generally. It’s killing me. To make it through the week, I tell myself, “Just you wait; the summer’s going to be here and you can do all you want to do again. You can laze around, read a book (finally) that doesn’t have to do with school, catch up on your favorite tv shows. Everything. Just as soon as this semester is over.” But damn it, I’m just so flipping tired of school. This Stats class is killing me and I don’t even know how except it’s too abstract for me to grasp. Calculus was easy: all formulas. Word problems are my weakness. I’m failing. I wish. I wish I wasn’t such a baby. I’m tired of school.

I’m thinking that I’m going to quit working soon. I’m starting to dislike it.

Sometimes, I have such a bad temper that all I want to do is cry. I think. I think I’m going to have to grow from this.

I’m always talking about the people that haven’t gone anywhere; the ones who have been stuck in their lives for a seriously long time. Last night, Huader and I went out to watch Tyler Perry’s Good Deeds and it was about this guy who’d been so stuck in his patterns, his life, his work, that he was became predictable, nice, and, above all, somewhat boring. I don’t want that sort of life; I’m afraid that’s where I’m headed. I feel like I should take chances, do something crazy, but I don’t know. I don’t know how to start nor what to do; neither do I know if I’d do it given the chance. Someone should force me to do something fun. I’m really boring.

The point is: in high school, I had fun. I mean, I read, I wrote, and I found time to do exciting things like just sit around and watch television or walk around the little roundabout circle down the street with Cocco. But now, my excuses for not doing anything is school, too much homework, no time, etc, etc. The honest truth is, I do have time. I have so much free time (when I’m not doing homework) that I could use to be doing fun stuff or cool things like volunteer or exploring my career options (haha). But I’m not. Instead, I’m on tumblr doing some nothing and watching Indian Bollywood films. There’s not much that I do. I find that really sad and boring. It’s actually also seriously depressing. Last summer, my brother told me to find a hobby and I told him that I loved reading. But darn it, I got so tired of books. After a while, I just couldn’t get past the first chapter. It’s terrible. Did I expect college to be something else? I did. I expected it to be full of the unexpected, but it just turns out to be really somewhat boring. I mean, I like the people. My inability to socially connect has made me kinda alone, but shouldn’t that be something improvable? I thought so. But I haven’t improved much at all. It’s still lonely sometimes. I don’t feel alone though. Which is nice. I used to. But now, I’m not. But I do feel like I’m settling in my life right now. That I’m not really “living the life” but just living. I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m saying. Okay, I do. What I’m saying is: my feet has planted itself and I don’t believe it’s going to move anytime soon unless something drastic happens to propel me forward into doing something. I shouldn’t wish for excitement, but I want an adventure like Belle; wasn’t she a cool heroine?

Excuse my language and my need to let the whole world know (my 5 followers…), but work was horrendously terrible. I mean, dear Lord, I pray for the patience to work with other people who do not have the same mentality. I swear, if I had to be there more than I had to be, I would have been there more than I had to be because, honest to God, I was about to blow. While cleaning the bathrooms, all I could think of was, “I need to get the fuck out of here because this is driving me insane.” Readers, you don’t want to know the reason behind my unannounced, now announced, anger. You really do not want to know. Only, maybe just a bit: my boss is an ass; he hurt my feelings; I will never look at him the same again. There. It is now said and done. My feelings are seriously hurt. I dread work tomorrow. You know what? Give me the night shift; at least then I don’t have to deal with the idiot. If he ever reads this, well, who gives a shit.

The only thing that is keeping me sane are my need for this money and my mom. Lord, I thank you for her. She’s the best person I know. If I was born to another mother, I don’t know how I’ll be at all. Probably hating the world like crazy.

Yep, fucking work. (Excuse my language)

Some days, I enjoy work; the camaraderie, laughter, and fun of it all. But then, there are some days where I wish I didn’t have to work at all. Like today, for instance. Alright, okay, today wasn’t all bad; it was just totally busy. I didn’t get off until 11:05 or so and even then not everything was completely stocked. So I kind of cheated. At this exact moment, I am so exhausted but my mind is somewhat restless. I need to write my honors paper, and I will. I’m just too lazy to start it at this moment. But I will. After this.

Anyways, my point is: the highlight of my day was when Luiz bought me a caramel milkshake from McDonalds. This is how it happened: I was cleaning the men’s bathroom, not looking forward to the dirty underwear hidden behind one of the toilets, currently wiping the dirty sink when the door opened. “I’m in here!” I shouted, only to turn and meet a milkshake! Luiz popped his head and asked, “Is there a hairy man in here?” And laughed, haha, and I thought it was the weirdest thing. So I was like, “What is that?” He answered obviously, “For you.” “Where’d you get it?” I didn’t think it was for me at all; like, who would buy me that? And then he went and said the nicest thing, “I bought it for you.” :O I was the happiest at the moment because, I mean, come on, he is so freaking beast! So, sadly, because I was cleaning the bathroom, he went and said that he’d put it in the front cooler for me, ehehe. And so when I was done, picking up, shuddering at that dirty underwear conspicuously hidden behind the dirty dirty toilet, I went in search for my milkshake. Of course, not without telling Luiz how much I loved him, haha. Because really, that was probably one of the nicest things someone had ever done for me. Sighs. I didn’t think he liked me all that much. Yay!

That moment really was the highlight of my day. Everything else was kinda hectic. Like, there were four Hmong boys from Hickory that came today ten minutes before closing; made me kind of laugh and angry at the same time since I’d just cleaned the lobby. They were having their own conversations until the better looking asked me if I was Hmong; of course, I answered and they all kind of laughed awkwardly because they must’ve been whispering aloud to themselves about me. Unfortunately, I didn’t hear. Hm. I wonder what they asked. They knew my cousin though, which I’m not surprised to hear. They’re from Hickory; of course they know her. And then these four other Chinese guys came in. One was so CUTE and the other was so NICE. While I was mopping, the second guy was coming to use the bathroom and he asked, “May I?” before stepping onto the water. Like, aww. Isn’t he the sweetest? And then the other one was just kinda hot. Attractive. EH. The other two didn’t have anything to say.

Yup, work was pretty busy today. My feet hurt.

(Source: thelittlephilosopher)

(Source: skullsandvanity)